Licensed marriage counselor Lauren Cook-McKay shares what to do when you can’t agree.
City or suburbs? Move-in ready or fixer-upper? Condo or sprawling ranch? These are just three of the many, many questions home-buying partners have to answer together. But “home” means different things to different people. And if you’re buying or planning to buy a home with someone else, you may find you simply can’t agree on a house.
Whether it’s because you disagree about where you want to live, the type of home you want to buy, or even how much you want to spend, know that these disagreements can arise even when you and your home-buying partner agree about pretty much everything else.
Read on for six tips that may help you find ways to compromise so you can move forward together and buy a home you’ll both appreciate.
1. Share your feelings
Home buying partners who disagree about the home they want may feel resentful or angry, says Lauren Cook-McKay, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in California.
“They feel like their partner is causing them to miss out on something good or a great opportunity,” Cook-McKay says. “If this isn’t properly communicated, it could lead to issues that could ruin their relationship.”
Rather than avoiding these uncomfortable feelings, try to be open and honest about them with yourself and your home-buying partner. Admitting you feel resentful or angry is the first step toward finding compromises to address those feelings.
Sharing your feelings can be a little easier if you’re already openly communicating about the listings you love. Use the “share your search” and “share this listing” buttons on the Zillow app to keep your shopping partner regularly in the loop. Follow these directions for adding your shopping partner on the app when using your iPhone or Android.
2. Talk openly about specific points of disagreement
Disagreements that aren’t talked about tend to escalate into bigger issues. This lack of communication can lead to no-compromise solutions that meet one person’s needs but not the other’s, Cook-McKay warns. A home one person loves but the other loathes isn’t a good compromise. In fact, it’s not a compromise at all.
When you talk about points of disagreement, try to be specific and keep the conversation respectful and positive. Each person should feel listened to, and each person’s perspective should be validated. The goal isn’t to “win” the disagreement but to delve deeper into both partners’ needs to find areas of agreement and opportunities to compromise.
3. Go beyond the wish list
Wish lists are a popular strategy for buying a home solo or with a partner. However, if you and your partner disagree about the home you want, a basic wish list may not be enough.
Rather than focusing only on “needs” and “wants,” Cook-McKay suggests creating a more comprehensive list that includes “must-haves,” “nice-to-haves,” “flexible features” and “deal breakers.” Each partner can contribute a few items in each category.
This list should help you both focus on finding homes that meet your priorities and avoiding looking at homes that deviate from your requirements and expectations.
“This approach could help couples find common ground because they’re already starting on the same page,” Cook-McKay says.
If creating the list becomes stressful, try making separate lists and then combining them. Ask your partner and yourself if you truly need a particular home feature or if what you actually want is the lifestyle that feature represents. This approach can open up opportunities to compromise.
With items you can’t agree on, consider making tradeoffs with “but only if” conditions, like a smaller home, but only if it has a bigger backyard, or an older home, but only if it doesn’t need a lot of expensive repairs.
4. Imagine your life together in your new home
Buying a new home will likely bring many changes, perhaps dramatic ones, to both your lifestyles. To reach a compromise when you disagree, try to imagine the life you want to create together now and in the future.
Are you planning to have kids? Do you want pets? How do you feel about taking care of a huge lawn? Will your home’s location make commuting reasonable and running errands convenient?
“Imagining what it will be like to physically live on the property, day in and day out, can help partners form a common ground that’s based on [what they expect] in their future lives,” Cook-McKay says.
5. Rethink your budget
Buying a home is a big decision with major financial implications. Sticking to your budget may be an important priority for you and your partner. But if you can’t agree on a home, looking at opportunities outside your price range may make sense. A home that’s priced slightly higher may need fewer repairs or less maintenance or may be located in an area with lower property taxes or homeowner insurance costs. These compromises may make that home a good fit even if you have to stretch your budget a bit to buy it.
Tip: You can use the home comparison tool on the Zillow app to assess up to five houses at different listing prices side-by-side. Try setting a baseline with a home that generally fits most of your priorities and is comfortably in your budget. Then, increase or decrease your price range slightly to start comparing details and ultimately find your sweet spot. Notice how much the listing price must change in order for a home to meet more of your requirements. You might discover certain home features are actually “nice to haves” rather than “must haves” and vice versa.
Need help agreeing on how much to spend? Use our Affordability Calculator to determine your budget using details like monthly debts, annual income and down payment amount — you can even experiment with adjusting the mortgage slider to learn how a difference in monthly spending will affect your home price and debt-to-income ratio. You can also speak with a licensed loan officer to understand how different loan products (e.g. fixed-rate versus and adjustable-rate mortgage or ARM) may make more sense for your unique situation.
6. Consider whether a home has characteristics you don’t love now, but could learn to love later
When you can’t agree on a house, remember that most home features can be updated or changed. Remodeling isn’t cheap or easy, but if a home makes sense for you and your partner, a modest investment to turn a “maybe” now into a “yes” later could be a good compromise. If you want a home that’s move-in ready, but your partner wants a fixer-upper, a home with good bones and a lot of potential might be a good option to consider.